Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
