You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
