so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
