if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
