There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We have started to decorate penises.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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