I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
