Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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