I'm so fucking centered right now
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
