I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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