Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
