its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
