Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
