3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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