dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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