god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
