a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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