i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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