My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
