you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
