You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
