sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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