what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
being pregnant is like rehab
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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