dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
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