Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
