my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
