I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
