I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
