You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
