I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
