i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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