My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
