woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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