Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
