Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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