Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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