She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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