i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
