dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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