please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
