A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
