the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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