This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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