why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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