True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
