i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
