Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
