Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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