OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
