dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
