he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
