When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
