So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
